MOO 16: Love Triumphant and a Bit With the Dog
by Amanita Jackson
Summary: Month O' Oneshots 16! Product of the less savoury and tasteful areas of my mind and a massive amount of bacteria in my system. You've been warned. Badly written parody of parodies and AlbusVoldie, among other stuff.


A/N: I...I...I don't know where this came from. I'm sorry for this monstrosity. This is so bad, it just might be funny. It started out as a humourous fic, then turned into a parody, then I started making fun of what I was writing while I was writing it, and then it just ran away from me andappears to be soiling the proverbial carpet. And chewing on my metaphorical slippers. My best pair, too. Damn story. In my defense, I wrote this on a massive sugar high. I just ate like a pound of candy. Which is prolly why I couldn't hold onto the literary leash, as it were. My apologies if anyone's mental carpet was also soiled. I will now drop the bad puppy-story metaphor and move on with my semblance of a life. I suggest you do the same, darlings. It's for your own sanity. This is the product of sleep deprivation and malicious bacteria in my system, not sugar. Haha!

MOO: #16

Pairing: Ron/Theodore, Blaise/Theodore, Dumbledore/Voldemort

Dedication: I wouldn't be so cruel as to wish this upon anyone.

Disclaimer: I am so thankful that I don't own any of this.

Warning: This story is utter ballocks. Crap. Refuse. Yay! Oh, yes, there is badly-written slash and scantily clothed Dubledore/Voldemort running around. You have been warned. Good lord, _I_ need to go scrub my Inner Eye's retinanow...

* * *

Theodore Nott thought he might like to be a Hearer, the wizarding equivalent of a psychologist, when he got out of Hogwarts. He was also bored and it was an oppressively hot day. Right after exams. So he formed some ambiguous questions and went round asking people.

He went to Filch first. That is, he was wandering the halls looking for someone and was accosted by Filch, so Theodore figured he'd ask the caretaker. "Why did the student cross the road?" he asked. Filch glared.

"Who crossed the road? Was it Potter? I bet it was Potter. Sneaking off somewhere to do…stuff! Which road was it?" Theodore was nonplussed.

"Sir, it's a mental exercise. No student actually crossed a road."

Filch huffed. "My mind is quite healthy, thank you very much! Are you implying my mind is fat, you rude child? I bet you are. I am not speaking to you until you apologise for calling my mind obese! Off with you, lest my beloved Mrs. Norris leap to defend my honour!"

He went to Dumbledore second.. The password was 'Tom,' much to Theodore's puzzlement. He had asked Filch for the password after apologising for calling Filch's mind fat and the caretaker had just made a disgusted face and repeated the word. Theodore had given up on asking Filch any more questions.

"Professor Dumbledore, sir, why did the student cross the road?" he asked, readying his quill and parchment.

Dumbledore's eyes twinkled.

"Sir, may I have a spoken answer?"

Dumbledore nodded and continued to twinkle his eyes.

"Give me a verbal answer, sir!"

Dumbledore shrugged and still his eyes twinkled.

"Goddamnit, you ancient bastard! Tell me your answer to the question and for gods' sakes stop with the fucking eye twinkling or I'll hex your ass all the way to North Dakota!" Theodore liked hexing people to North Dakota. It had a nice ring to it.

Dumbledore grinned disarmingly. "There is no such thing as North Dakota. It does not exist. However, you may feel free to verbally and thaumally abuse me as much as you wish!" He beamed.

"Thaumally?" asked Theodore incredulously, not comprehending the full kinkiness of the answer.

"Magically," explained Dumbledore. "However, in answer to your previous question, the student crossed the road quite quickly because he walked in on me and my darling Voldie at a most inopportune time. The student was Potter, I believe."

After throwing up until his stomach was emptier than Lockheart's head, Theodore strode to the door.

"Screw this. I'm asking someone else, you creepy old bastard." With that, Theodore left.

He came to Harry Potter next. _Maybe now I'll be able to get past the first question…_

"Potter. Why did the student cross the road?" Theodore queried, grabbing his quill and parchment out of his bag. Harry whirled around.

"What? What student? What road? It was me, wasn't it! You're asking why I crossed the road!" cried Harry in a very paranoid manner.

"No, I--" Theodore began, but Harry cut him off.

"WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO PICK ON ME!" Harry screamed angrily. Harry was angry. "WHY DO YOU HAVE TO INSIST THAT I CROSSED THE ROAD! IT WASN'T ME AND I WAS NOT GOING TO CONTINUE MY AFFAIR WITH RON, DESPITE THE FACT THAT I APPARENTLY HAVE NO HORMONES AT ALL IN CANON!" Harry continued shouting angrily. "AND WHY THE HELL AM I TALKING IN ALL CAPS!"

"I don't know. Right, next question," Theodore said hurriedly. "What is the meaning of life?"

"WILL YOU STOP INVADING MY PRIVACY! HOW DID YOU KNOW I AM ALIVE! ARE YOU STALKING ME! WHY AM I UNABLE TO DO ANYTHING BUT BELLOW INSANELY AND STUFF WHENEVER I AM ASKED A QUESTION!"

Theodore left quietly while Harry ranted. He found Ron strolling towards Harry.

"Weasley, why did the student cross the road?" he asked. Ron tilted his head to the side.

"What road? Was this about Harry? Cos he walked in on Twinkley Eyes and He-Who-Has-Too-Many-Names yesterday and ran screaming out of the castle."

Theodore wrote down his first coherent response in jubilation. He heard Harry still ranting about how hard his life was and how no one understood him back down the corridor.

"He shouts quite a lot, doesn't he?" he commented to Ron. They both looked back at Harry, who had moved on to how no one loved him and how his love for Cho Chang was unrequited, and how it could have nothing to do with the fact the he was the only witness to her boyfriend's untimely demise, and how he really thought Cedric was much sexier anyway and come to think of it, Malfoy was pretty hot too.

Ron sighed. "Yeah…look, I'd love to chat or snog or shag or whatever you were going to ask me, but I have to go try and keep Harry from breaking any more windows or frightening any more first years…that was a mess last time…tonight in the Astronomy Tower though, yeah?"

Theodore hexed Ron to North Dakota.

"Where'd you send him?" Blaise asked, coming up behind Theodore, eating an apple.

"North Dakota. He was hitting on me," Theodore added. Blaise snickered.

"I was going to remind you that North Dakota doesn't exist, but if he was hitting on you he deserved it. What are you doing, anyway?"

"I'm not sure. Want to go set fire to something?" suggested Theodore. _Psychology be damned._

"Sure. Where?" Theodore thought for a minute.

"Let's burn Trelawny's room. It might even explode with all those fumes in there!" he added excitedly. Blaise loked confused, then comprehension dawned.

"Ohhh…you mean literally set something on fire, not 'let's go passionately shag'." Blaise tapped the side of his nose. "Triple meaning, there. Nice."

Theodore looked confused. "What?"

Blaise sighed. "This is random and pointless anyway, so want to end it with a hot gay sex scene?"

Theodore shrugged. "Why not?"

Blaise scuffed his foot. "Well, the author doesn't think she can write that kind of thing well, so we only get to kiss and the rest gets implied."

Theodore shrugged. "She should write it anyway. I mean, if she doesn't practice, how will she be able to write well?"

Blaise shrugged too. "I thin kit's because every time she tries, she starts laughing hysterically." He threw the apple core out the window, hitting Ron and Harry who were making out in the rosebushes.

"How did Ron get back from oblivion?" Theodore wondered.

Who cares?" Blaise waved a hand. "Shut up and use your tongue for something more useful."

Unfortunately, right at that moment a giggling Voldemort came running down the hallway in nothing but a speedo. Dumbledore ran after him, also giggling, in nothing but a neon pink thong.

The students of Hogwarts were all scarred for life and all the students ran outside. They saw a road and ran screaming across.

The moral of the story is:

Why did the students cross the road?

To get to the broomstick wash with complimentary Retina Scrubbers.

* * *

Ah, do you know what the problem was? I was actually physicallyill. At two in the morning, three hours after I wrote this, I threw up five times over the course of a half hour. Damn tuna. I went back and read this and I actually kinda like it. 


End file.
